Friday, March 26, 2004

SONGS in my head today: Gloria, the live version of Stay (Faraway, So Close) from the Walk On single, Zooropa, and all other kinds of U2ness.

SAINT of the day St. Margaret of Clitherow, martyred in the most harrowing circumstances on March 25 1586 for sheltering priests. Born in Middleton in 1555 and a mother of two. May the memory of her example long be treasured.

LINE OF THE DAY : Sr. Andrew AGUECHEEK:" An I thought that, I'd forswear it..." (Twelfth night Act I Scene III)

smear test pizzas n.
Budget supermarket pizza on which the toppings have been kept to a minimum for reasons of economy. [from the profanisaurus]

Wednesday, March 24, 2004


"Ricardo Izecson Dos Santos Leite is a contagious disease. 'O Craque' is his nickname in Brazil which means 'the Phenomenon'. In Italy he is better known as Kaka, but who admires him play waste their energy making comparisons involving the best ever. The lords of football can take their seats because the child from Brasilia is simply unique. Disarming in his style of play, essential, linear even among the worst tackles. He almost gives rise to suspicion that he is the perfect outcome of some biochemical experiment. Ricardo has everything of everyone. He has the crystalline class typical of the South Americans, a teutonic coldness, an Anglo-Saxon strength, a Kenyan stamina, the speed of a cheetah. But who is Kaka? There is no answer because the phenomenon involved seems intentioned to impress again at least for a decade. An extraordinary icon of the most appreciated football, Ricky is a real cataract for the eyes of the football lovers who are so absorbed in rubbing their eyes at each of his creations. Since he landed in Italy, he has also taken on the name 'Ciro', like a cunning and shrewd street urchin. You'll be much tackled in Serie A he was told before his move. To avoid this he has learnt to shoot from distance, regularly and effectively. Extraordinary Ricardo, the dream man, he has everything from everyone, even the face of a Golden Ball winner. How is it possible, he has just arrived in Italy? Yes, what's the problem? Let's just enjoy this wonderful and unique talent for what he is..." from

Friday, March 12, 2004

SONGS in my head today: Fell on black days [Soundgarden], Gloria [U2], Laid [James], Master and Servant [Depeche Mode]

SAINT OF THE DAY Many happy returns my guy!...St. Basil the Great of Caesarea (329-379).
Bishop & Doctor of the Church. More here


The Devil Sketch [Rowan Atkinson]
Hello, nice to see you all again.

Now, as the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? Yes?

Um, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets... if you'd read your Bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, if you didn't go before you came then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then, I believe that's the idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me still?

All right, off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and bank managers...

Fornicators, if you could step forward - my God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.


Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realises put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists! Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

Okay, and Christians! Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Okay, Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Python's "Life of Brian" - I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing. We're trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will travel up and have a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes ... and the chains, and electrodes.

I'd just like to leave you with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the circumstances, I think. It goes something like this:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?


Death wh...!

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